In our search for love, many things can conspire to sabotage our efforts and hold us back from even trying in the first place.  Rarely is anything more powerful at holding us back than “the one thing” we choose to focus on.  None one of these one things is relevant to our next relationship and they aren’t even “real.”  We make them up to be real as an excuse to hide pain, hurts, or disappointments either in ourselves or in our partners.  Sometimes our well-intended family and friends throw these out to us and we latch on to them and believe them.   As long as we fling these around, however, they play out as our reality.   So get ready to learn how the “last one”, the “only one” and the “no one” are holding you back from realizing the next relationships of your dreams.

 The Last One

“There is no way I want my next man (or woman) to be anything like my last one!  What a loser!”  Oh, here we go.  Time to tell your friends your old story once again about all the reasons why your last relationship failed so miserably.  Hmm.  What were those reasons again?  (And some of them might even be “valid.”)  Pick one or several from this list:  not enough attention, too much attention, texts from strangers in the middle of the night, no gym membership, poor hygiene, no communication skills, dramatic family, emotionally unavailable, etc.  You name it, there’s a reason for it.  You are so identified with your last relationship and what did or what didn’t happen you are looking at your new partner through the lens of your past relationship.  This knack of focusing on what you don’t want creates just that…a relationship with the same patterns and tired issues of the one before it.  And the one before that.  And the one before that.

Past relationships that didn’t meet our expectations make us feel angry, disappointed, resentful, and emotionally damaged…but only if we let them.  If you know someone who still tells anger or resentment stories about their ex, they have yet to really leave the relationship.  In fact, it’s as if they are still “married” or “together” even if the ink dried on their divorce years ago.  Isn’t it time to move forward?  Stop telling your old stories NOW.

Looking at your past relationships to find the gift and value of what you learned about yourself, your partner and love is the single best way to move forward once and for all.  Only then can you become free of the drama and pain of the past relationship and create a fertile and ready heart, available for your next partner.  Until you get this clarity, any one that crosses your path with love potential has to compete against, get compared to, and viewed at through the lens of something painful to you.  Who deserves to be treated like that?

 The Only One

“Oh my God, my ex was the absolute best thing ever to happen to me.  Everything worked so perfectly and she (he) knew me so well.  There will NEVER be another woman (or man) who can ever take her (his) place.  She’s the ONLY one for me!”  Umm, yeah.  That relationship and partner was so perfect that’s why you are left going to the movies by yourself now.  Through rose colored glasses we once again choose to see the illusion of a past great relationship and reminisce with longing nostalgia at our life with and loss of our “soul-mate.”  I refuse to accept that out of over 7 billion people on the earth, there can only ever be ONE lover I can connect with and enjoy fully.

No one is perfect.  We all bring different traits into play.  What if you could meet someone who could expand your mind, well-being and pleasure far beyond your so-called perfect “soul-mate”?  Can you open your mind long enough to let that sink in?  Countless men and women mope around for months and years still longing over a person who is long gone and who’s moved on.  When will you?

The No One

“No one wants me because I’m too (fill in the blank).”  Of all three ONE things to sabotage our search for love, this can be the strongest and the toughest to get over.  With this mindset, it’s definitely easy to give up and never go looking for a partner again.  Let’s come up with things we could use to fill in the blank as “too”:  big, small, skinny, fat, married X times, never married, got kids, no kids, too smart and prominent, too uneducated and boring, poor, rich, etc.  I know of people whose parents have told them reasons why no one would want them!  Seriously?  The bad thing is too many are quick to believe it, accept it, and live it.  Buying into the “no one” theory feeds off low self-esteem and low self-confidence.  No wonder depression sets in and they feel rejected by potential partners.  You don’t stand a chance at love with anyone if you’ve already rejected yourself.

Who are we or who is someone else to play God and decide they can read the minds and hearts of everyone in the world about what they want and don’t want?  A person asked me once how many men might be a match for her:  prominent, educated, and successful.  I told her “infinite.”  And that’s the truth.  There are infinite, unlimited, and countless men and women out there searching for someone just LIKE you to love, cherish and create a companionship with.  Why take yourself out of the game before you even get started?  Own every aspect of who you are.  Take responsibility for every part of your life.  Improve and grow in the areas you want to.  Get some game.  And get out there.  There is much about you to love.  Give others the opportunity to do so.

Finally, reject ALL of these “one things” for what they are:  a true fire way to sabotage any chance of a new relationship from getting started or from thriving once it does.  Refuse to buy in to anything other than love is possible, probable, and closer than you think.

Live Happy.  Love Happy.